i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
