My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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