hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
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New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
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nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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