Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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