Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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