I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
