Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
