I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
