she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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