I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize