I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize