my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
