so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
