I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
this beer tastes like vomit already
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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