yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
