we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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