His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
