Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
