people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
