This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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