someone threw a dead crab at me
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead