I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
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I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
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Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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