He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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