Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
