Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.