He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.