he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
