She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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