My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
where are you?
Hypothermia
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
