I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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