where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
