We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
