Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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