is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
