my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
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The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
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Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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