Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
