She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
