I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
