I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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