I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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