I puked a lego.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
