did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky š
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
His wife found the thong I āforgotā in his glovebox
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
