so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
