people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
