; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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