The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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