I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
