I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You may now shotgun with the bride
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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