Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
organizing the empties. That sober.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
