You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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