I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
