I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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