bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
