Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
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I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
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Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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